Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
You Might Also Like
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
This is the best one I’ve seen
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.