People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
You Might Also Like
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM