I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?