Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My first son he is wonderful
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Finally, an explanation.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.