Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“no gods no masters” = leo
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Morning my dudes.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials