I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I am also baked goods
That was easy.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.