You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.