ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
you know what ruined my childhood? children
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Breaking news:
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now