Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
B
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.