How to wake up a Beagle
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.