If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
ready to be harvested
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.