The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You Might Also Like
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]