Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
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Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!