My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
calling in to work dehydrated
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Alexa: *deep breath*
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there