A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag