Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
You Might Also Like
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My current situation
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
😜
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Rooting for the overdog
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes