POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.