Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .