Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?