the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
You Might Also Like
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.