Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
You Might Also Like
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Pretty much. 🤣