WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
A woman drives into a bar.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.