Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
when dads have a rap battle
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
How to woo a woman
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Ghost costume 😂
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”