People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.