Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.