i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
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For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Coffee for people with no kids
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.