*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
omg leave her alone
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking