Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP