right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.