5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.