If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
For those that worship cheese..
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
How about daylight saves us for once
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter