Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“Theirye’re” problem solved