I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Autocorrect is my menesis
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great