[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
so much to do
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
bears
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*