Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
This was a bad idea all around
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”