I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.