I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Education is vital
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”