You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You Might Also Like
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*