I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta