*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.