I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
But wait…
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls