When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Baller is short for ballerina
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.