Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’m not lazy