[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.