Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast