Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god