I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”