Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.