Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
For cardio I live beyond my means.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My daily affirmation
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Story of my life…..
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.