My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.